Honoring adoptive parents

Hello,

I believe the feed for the daily emails is now fixed, so that you should be receiving them normally. Please note that if you ever do not receive the daily email, you can check the blog where I post them each day - http://halachahbyemail.blogspot.com.


One must honor adoptive parents. Aside from the technical possibility that they may be considered 'parents' in terms of the mitzvah of honoring parents, there is a separate requirement of hakarat hatov, displaying gratitude for their tremendous kindness in adopting the child.

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring the parents of a person who converts to Judaism

Hi,

Jewish law considers a person who converts to Judaism to be "newborn." Nonetheless, one who converts to Judaism may not violate the honor of his biological parents.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 241:9)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Mocking a parent

Hi,

The Torah says (Deuteronomy 27:16), "Cursed is one who shames his parents." This applies to anyone who mocks his parents, even verbally and even indirectly.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 241:6)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Accepting a service from one's parent

Hi,

If a parent wishes to do something that will serve his child, such as pouring water or running an errand, the child may accept that help and it isn't considered an inappropriate diminution of parental honor.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:25)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Arranged marriages

Hi,

A parent is not empowered to force his child into an arranged marriage; the child may refuse.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:25)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring Parents vs. Studying Torah

Hi,

One who wishes to go study Torah with a certain teacher, because he is certain that he will meet success with that teacher, is not required to listen to a parent who protests due to safety concerns.

Note, though, that the child is separately obligated to take all necessary steps to preserve his life.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:25)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

A parent serving a child

Hi,

If a parent wishes to do something that will serve his child, such as pouring water or running an errand, the child may accept that help. This is not considered an inappropriate diminution of parental honor.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:25)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring In-laws

Hi,

One is obligated to honor a father-in-law and mother-in-law.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:24; Taz Yoreh Deah 240:19)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring step-parents

Hi,

One must honor step-parents so long as their spouses are still alive, as a function of the mitzvah of honoring their spouses (the biological parents).

It is appropriate to continue that honor even after the death of the direct parents, although this is not as strong an obligation.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:21)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring parents - the parental responsibility

Hi,

Parents are not permitted to make it difficult for children to honor them, or to refuse to forgive their errors in this area. Provoking one's children to anger against one's self is a grave sin.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:19-20)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring a sinful parent

Hi,

There is a debate as to whether a child born of a prohibited sexual interaction is obligated to honor the parent until the parent repents. It is clear, though, that the child is not permitted to deliberately pain the parent.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:18, 241:4-5)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Competing imperatives

Hi,

Yesterday we discussed indirect competition between honoring parents and performing other mitzvot, where one must choose which opportunity to fulfill.

In a more direct situation, where a parent tells a child to violate a mitzvah, the child is not permitted to obey. Both child and parents are obligated in awe of Gd.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:15; Shach Yoreh Deah 240:17)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Balancing parental honor vs. other mitzvot

Hi,

If honoring one's parents would mean failing to performing a different mitzvah, and the other mitzvah could be performed by other people, then one should take care of honoring his parents.

If the other mitzvah cannot be performed by others, though, and the opportunity for the other mitzvah will be lost if one first takes care of honoring his parents, then one should take care of the other mitzvah first.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:12)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honorifics for deceased parents

Hi,

We have already said that the requirement to honor parents continues after their death.

One result of this law is that a child who mentions a deceased parent, in writing or verbally, should add honorifics.

The traditional honorific in the first year is "I should be the atonement of their passing," which is meant to credit the parent for the child's success - any success of mine is a credit to them. After the first year, children instead say "Their memory is a blessing," a reference to a verse in Proverbs, "The memory of the righteous is a blessing."

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:9)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Correcting a parent

Hi,

One who sees his parents sin is not permitted to confront them directly; rather, he must try more respectful methods. One such method involves asking circumspect questions, so that they understand the error on their own.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:11)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Putting one's parents into a home

Hi,

One who finds that he is personally incapable of taking care of his parents is permitted to retain someone else to do so.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:10; and see Taz 240:14)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Posthumous honor for parents

Hi,

The obligation to honor one's parents extends even after their death; this is the origin of saying "זכרונו לברכה," "May his/her memory be a blessing," when mentioning them.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:9)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Suing a parent

Hi,

If a child is fiscally damaged by a parent's actions, and the only recourse for recovery is litigation, the child is permitted to sue the parent.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:8)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Standing up in a parent's presence

Hi,

One is obligated to stand when his parents enter the room or come near to him.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:7)


Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring parents... with whose money?

Hi,

Although we have said that one must honor his parents by providing food, clothing and similar items, the child is not obligated to spend his own money in honoring his parents; this is a physical mitzvah rather than a financial mitzvah.

However, if the parent is needy then the parent has top priority as a recipient for the child's tzedakah.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:5)

Chag Purim Sameach,
Mordechai

Honoring one's parents pleasantly

Hi,

The key element in honoring one's parents is that one have a pleasant demeanor. One who does good things for his parents, but with an unpleasant demeanor, will face punishment rather than reward for his actions.

Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:4)

Have an easy and meaningful fast,
Mordechai

A Purim Reminder

A Purim reminder:

On Purim we celebrate the ultimate joy of a sudden national rescue, and our sages taught that we should imbibe alcohol at the Purim Seudah as part of this celebration. Just as we abstain from various foods and from drink at certain times of the year to induce sadness, so we indulge in various foods and in drink at other times of the year, to induce joy. The gemara’s standard for imbibing is to drink until we cannot tell the difference between “Cursed is Haman” and “Blessed is Mordechai” (Megilah 7b).

Authorities differ on how much to drink, but the following is clear: An adult who is medically, psychologically and emotionally able to drink, and who has a designated driver, should drink some amount of alcohol - preferably enough that he feels lightheaded (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 695:2). One should enjoy his Seudah, drink a little, and then sleep off the effects of the alcohol.

Many people, and I include myself in this number, have embraced the practice of drinking minimally at the Purim Seudah and then fulfilling the state of intoxication by taking a nap after the meal. This approach is sanctioned by the Rama (Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 695:2).

The following is obvious, and I apologize for taking your time with it, but if my blog has any reach at all then I feel an obligation to state this obvious point. Please:

1) Never give alcohol to minors to drink on Purim. It is not necessary for their fulfillment of any Mitzvah. It might be secularly legal as sacramental wine, but it is a foolish and dangerous practice and therefore prohibited as endangering our children as well as violating our obligation of chinuch for our children.

I do believe there is a difference between giving children the barest taste of wine from Kiddush and engaging in Purim drinking in their presence. The former is a formal setting, and no one (I hope) is drinking to get a buzz. On Purim, though, because the drinking is more loose and more geared toward celebration, I believe that the rule should be that children drink no alcohol at all.

2) Adults should not drink on Purim in the presence of young children. Immature children cannot tell when you are in control and when you are not, cannot comprehend the dangers associated with alcohol, cannot accept the idea that adults can do what children are not permitted to do, and cannot understand the difference between Purim and the rest of the year.

Note: When I say young children, the definition depends upon the child. It may well include teenagers; it's a matter of maturity, per #2 above.


The finest joy is a celebration which centers around a Mitzvah, and this is the essence of Purim – the four mitzvot (Megilah, Sending Gifts of Food, Giving to the Poor and having a Feast) which are about experiencing joy and spreading joy and thanking HaShem for saving us from destruction.

For more on this theme see Shaarei Teshuvah of Rav Chaim Margaliyot (printed with a standard Mishneh Berurah), in his final comment on Orach Chaim.

I apologize for wasting anyone’s time by stating the obvious, but as I said above, I feel the responsibility of stating this in any forum I have available.

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring our parents

Hi,

We have discussed the mitzvah of displaying awe for one's parents; there are other practices associated with honoring one's parents.

Honoring them includes giving them food and beverages, clothing and blankets, and escorting them when they travel.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:4)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Embarrassing a parent

Hi,

The Talmud mentions a critical element of awe, beyond the behaviors we have already mentioned: One must take great care never to embarrass a parent in public, regardless of the parent's behavior toward the child.

[Important Note: This doesn't interfere with self-protection from abuse; we are talking about a case in which the child can safely exit a situation.]

Thus an adult child who faces public verbal abuse from a parent is not permitted to respond in a way that will shame the parent. Yes, verbal abuse is very real and very harmful, but an adult child is expected to find other ways to deal with the problem.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:3)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Calling a parent by name

Hi,

One may not call his parents by their personal names; instead, one should say "My father/mother, my teacher." This continues even after their deaths.

One may use a parent's name when talking about, or to, someone else who has the same name - but only if the name is common and if the parent is not present. If the parent is present, some authorities will not allow the use of the parent's name, despite its commonness.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:2; Shach Yoreh Deah 240:3)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

More Awe

Hi,

This is also included in "awe of one's parents": One should not contradict his parents, but one should also not publicly support his words, including saying, 'My father's words appear to be correct.' This would make it appear that the parent needed the child's support.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:2)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Awe of one's parents

Hi,

As we cited yesterday, one of the main passages prescribing honor of one's parents actually uses the term awe: "A person shall have awe of his mother and father, and guard my Shabbatot; I am HaShem your Gd."

Awe includes, among other things, not standing in the designated spots where they socialize or pray or eat.

(Code of Jewish Law Yoreh Deah 240:2)

Have a great day,
Mordechai